Friday, June 30, 2006


Here are the results of yesterday's shooting extravaganza. This target was approximately 25 feet away from me. Believe it or not, the head and chest shots are mine. Most of the rest are from Justin calibrating the gun.

I got to use both the super scary gun from the last post and a 9mm Luger. Given a choice between the two, especially in a zombie situation, I would have to go with the Luger. It was lighter and smaller and would travel better in a post-apocalyptic world. In addition, I had trouble shooting with the Semi-Automatic because it was so heavy. Even though I have Commando-like muscles, it was very hard for me to hold it straight and steady.
Pictures of me shooting are coming soon... as soon as Justin figures out how to get them off of his camera phone.

In other news, I was denied bullets because I was deemed "too sketchy"; a first for me. Justin had recommended that I buy bullets from a retail store rather than the range because it was cheaper. I was able to buy some without any problem, but I wanted around 200 hundred to practice with, and the first store only had 100. At the second location, I asked the clerk for 9mm bullets and he looked me up and down and said "we don't carry those."
I could see them behind the counter.

Anyway, onto the topic of zombie targets. Justin accurately pointed out that zombie are, in fact, human. But as the target picture above demonstrates, while it illustrates a human of average anatomy, it is clearly too streamlined and not nearly scary enough. Plus the "attacker is reaching for something out of his/her pocket". Zombies can't operate pockets. So, when I start making my own targets they will attempt to capture the horrors that decomposition inflicts on the body. No clean outlines. Scary gaping mouth. Arms reaching out in a grabbing motion. Perhaps a small headset that plays moaning noises.

In conclusion, shooting guns was lots of fun (disclaimer: only shoot at zombies not people). I will definitely work at improving this skill.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Shooting Day

Today, I am going shooting with Justin. This will be my first time with a gun. I am excited and nervous. We will be shooting a handgun and something that looks like this monster:

They don't have any zombie targets for practice, so I'll have to use my imagination... or perhaps make my own for next time.
I will report tomorrow on my experience.

Also, thanks for the support on the Corolla decision. I hope to be mobile again sometime next week. And no more using the car as a battering ram.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

the nature of posting

"hi, I'm a dumbass computer program that selects key words from your blog, places them in casual phrasing and then directs you to my stupid website that has absolutely nothing to do with your website."

What a bunch of crap. Any posts like this will be deleted. Meanwhile, hilarious, thoughtful posts are very much appreciated and encouraged. It is a delight to read comments everyday, which momentarily lift me out of my humdrum, pre-apocalyptic existence. Also, I should note that I'm a technical moron, and have no idea how to instant message. But once I figure it out, you'll be hearing from me :)

Current News: I am totally out a vehicular transport (the car I was borrowing has been revoked). Trying to purchase a car. Can't afford a tank. Probably going to get a Toyota Corolla. I will be sure to put a witty, anti-zombie bumper sticker on it though.
I am able to get a ride to Karate tonight though. I missed it yesterday, and am going into Karate withdrawal. Punching things is a tremendous relief. Right now, I'm learning how to break necks. Obviously, actual neck-breaking isn't encouraged in class, but we are learning the proper motions. This should have results similar to decapitation, where all that's left is to destroy the head.

"Kill the head, the body will die!"
-Hunter S. Thompson (though some will claim he appropriated this from the B-movie, The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant)

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Dramatic Death

Here is the fruits of my creative labor yesterday:

I apologize, my scanner is not set up, so you will have to deal with poor image quality from my digital camera.
Keep in mind, this drawing is playing up the dramatic effects of killing a zombie, rather than showing proper methodology.

Monday was not totally in vain. I had Karate last night, and it was great. I'm am incredibly sore today, and I have bruises everywhere, but what a rush!

So everyone, have a great Tuesday!

Monday, June 26, 2006


As usual, I am having a craptastic Monday. Continuing the discussion from last week, this will hopefully be another thing that falls by the wayside when the zombie menace rises. In fact, I hope that while I am doing my part to rid the world of the zombie threat, that I completely forget about day distinctions altogether. As of right now, the only things that structure my weeks are work (vs. no work), and karate. If it weren't for these things, I would have no idea what day of the week it was. Maybe it's better that way.

Another reason that my Monday sucks, in addition to it simply being a Monday, is that I have a ton of nervous energy. Normally I can direct this at things such as training and studying, but when I am trying to function as a useful member of society (which I probably don't do so well) it usually just plays out in bursts of foot tapping, singing, and other forms of twitching. There's not even anyone around for me to practice office stealthing on.... Geez... I'm going out of my mind. I'm going to draw some pictures of me destroying zombies to pass the time. I'll put them up in tomorrow's post.

Regarding Slash's thoughtful post (and Jerilyn's pre-post)... I'm not really sure how gas pumps work... this will be a question for the gas station the next time I fill up. Regardless, after the necropaylpse, gasoline will probably quickly run out (think any natural disaster). So maybe it's better that I can't afford a tank? Well, it would be fun while it lasted.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

wreckage cost

I picked up my insurance check for my totaled car yesterday. It was not nearly enough to afford the ideal replacement vehicle.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Immoral? I say practical!

So this is a horrible, immoral thing to say, but here goes:
After the zombie uprising there are some people (whom shall remain nameless) that I will, no doubt, have to put down, because they are a new member of the zombie horde. I will probably derive some pleasure from doing this, or at the very least, satisfaction. Does this make me a horrible person? Probably...

However, I believe that part of surviving the necropalypse is taking joy in the small things. This could take the form of stopping to smell the flowers, enjoying the occasional well-cooked meal, or decapitating the zombified jerk that laughed at you in English class in 6th grade during your presentation of Edgar Allen Poe's "the Raven".

So, Advice of the Day: Take joy in the little things, because that may be all you have in an undead world.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Everyday Stealthing

After my experiments in office sneaking yesterday, I realized what a valuable tool sneaking was. And of course, not without its entertainment value. Therefore, I am going to continue stealthing around, and not just in the office setting.

As Slash pointed out, the zombie apocalypse is definitely has is positive side. That's the kind of thinking that ensure your survival. Just remember, when you have to shoot your best friend in the face because he tried to eat you, at least you not filing some stupid, irrelevant report for a know-nothing boss that doesn't respect your abilities.

In other news, my roundhouse kicks are starting to pack some "oomph". They make a very satisfying noise when I impact the punching bag. I like to imagine that it's the sound of my foot crushing a zombie head. Punching is still more gratifying though.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


While perusing Penny Arcade this past weekend I came upon the aforedisplayed comic. It seemed to be sound (excuse the pun) advice presented in a humorous fashion. Zombies are drawn to noise, whether it be a "Polo!" or rustling in the brush, so silence is an excellent defensive tool. Also, silence is an easy to practice tactic. I plan on practicing silent maneuvering at the office today, and would encourage everyone else to do likewise.

In other news:
Congratulations, Slash, on your weapon purchase! Justin, I will definitely take you up on your offer of arms training.

Saturday, June 17, 2006


I finally picked up a close quarters weapon! 18" machete with a D-shaped handle and non-reflective blade. I had to compromise on the "solid construction", because I was unable to find any blades with this feature. However, upon further inspection the "plastic" handle is actually quite heavy-duty, and appears to able to take the impact of zombie skulls. It's a good weight, easy to swing, and legal.

Zombies beware, I'm keeping it next to me when I sleep.

Regarding Justin's comments, while the zombies where quite impressive in Versus, there are not a realistic portrayal of zombies, as true zombies lack neither the accuracy or muscle coordination or ability to think beyond "eat", all of which are necessary to operate a gun. However, this does not diminish the entertainment value of Versus.

This does bring up an important point, which Slash alluded to. Arms training is important. As of yet, I have not had any gun training. I am hoping to add "Shooting Guns 101" to my curriculum before fall.

Friday, June 16, 2006

White Belt!

I am no longer a "no belt" in Karate. I have been promoted to White Belt. Even though this may not seem like an accomplishment to some, I feel absolutely honored to have earned my first belt. The sheer amount of knowledge that I have gained in the last month is quite impressive for me (and the fact that I retained it is even more impressive).

What this means for the zombie menace... I am one step closer to being able to take down zombies with my bare (though probably gloved, as per my last post) hands.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


As Slash pointed out in his last response, the biohazard component of the zombie invasion should never, ever be forgotten. CPR should only be performed with one of those bladder things they use on ER if there is any chance that the CPRee may have contracted, be carrying, or even splattered with any fluids/virus/arms that have the zombie contagion.

While the Solanum virus can only survive for an extremely short time without a host, it is nonetheless crucial that every reasonable effort be taken to avoid coming into contact with the virus. Using common sense and avoiding strange fluids, contact with the infected, eating in vicinity of the undead, and properly disposing of corpses (both dead and undead) should prevent and accidental zombie transference. Excessive measures would include wearing a Haz-mat suit, breathing from an oxygen tank, and so on, because these methods will impede movement and diminish peripheral vision, and make you into zombie fodder.

Advice of the Day: Take your vitamins! Even though they will do nothing in the face of the Solanum virus, it is important to be healthy with proper vitamin/mineral levels.


I have reached several conclusions regarding the topics addressed in my last post:

First, Slash was resourceful enough to suggest procuring a Carrion-species of plant which would emulate the smell of rotting flesh, thereby allowing scent training in a relatively sanitary (and legal) fashion. At the moment I am looking into which type of plant to get as there is a whole range of plants that smell like rotting meat.

Secondly, First Aid training is slightly outside of my budget at the moment. I have discovered a few classes which offer CPR and the like, but since I am still paying for my impromptu demolition derby, they will have to wait. In the meantime, I am supplmenting my knowledge through the internet. Field training is more difficult. I will have to limit my First Aid practice to random people I find injured on the street. Unless they have already turned into zombies, then no first aid for them.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Zombie Stink

Thanks everyone who wishes me well! I am feeling much better and was able to practice Karate today. If anything, this incident has taught me the value of my health and well-being. It is much harder to run from the zombie menace on a bum leg. If I had actually broken my foot, it would have been even more problematic as the healing time would have been longer.
This incident highlights the value of First Aid... which brings me to the next item on my to-do list of zombie defense training: Basic Medical Training.
I figure this includes: CPR, treating shock, making a splint, stitches and the like. I will begin research on where I can learn this valuable information in a pre-apocalyptic state.

Finally, Zombie Topic of the Day: Zombie Smell.
If one should secure an area that is relatively free of the zombie menace (and therefore clear of conflicting odors), can an approaching zombie be detected through smell? Even though the rate of decay is slowed by the Solanum virus (Brooks,10-11), there is still some decay which should make the zombie odoriferous, to perhaps a seasoned veteran (or dog).
Perhaps this argument is moot since most humans have a more developed sense of hearing, which should be able to detect incoming moans. Still the smell of rotting flesh is pretty potent and should probably not be so quickly dismissed, especially in the case of the "silent but deadly" zombie, or if there is a lot of white noise in your secure location. Since I have yet to be exposed to an actual zombie (though this is a crucial part of my training), I do not know how much odor is a factor. Besides, a "fresh" zombie might not yet have a distinct odor (other than B.O.-which may be imperceptible when traveling with a group that hasn't showered in weeks). However, maybe the Solanum alters the chemical composition of the human body in such a way as to produce an odor. Max Brooks doesn't give any clues as to zombie smell, so any additional research available is definitely appreciated.

Advice of the Day: Even though humans do not rely on their sense of smell as a primary sense, zombies place more importance on it. A zombie can detect and seek out a living specimen through scent (Brooks, 7-8).

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Status Quo... Almost

I have almost returned to my proper state of functioning.
In the meantime, because I have been unable to work on my physical preparedness, I have been working on my mental preparedness. I have been playing video games and watching zombie movies since Friday morning. I have to admit I am more jumpy than normal, but that is probably a good thing. It is better to be aware and jumpy than oblivious and eaten.
I will attend Karate on Tuesday, and hopefully practice my kihons tomorrow.

Advice of the Day: Cannibalism is never a good thing... zombie or not.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Injury Pics

Here are some less-than-dramatic pictures of my various vehicle related injuries. Enjoy!

First my nose. I was hard to take a good pic of my slowly developing facial bruise. I'm pointing at it in this one, but you really can't see it in the picture:

Slightly more dramatic: one of my many seatbelt related injuries:

Finally, my clubfoot... which is next to impossible to walk on (the right foot, left is "normal"):

On a side note: I was out and about today, and this man came up to me to ask if I was Natalie Portman. I think he was a little disappointed when I informed him that I was merely a member of the anti-zombie resistance. Natalie Portman probably isn't as prepared for the zombie apocalypse, though at the moment, she can run faster than me.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Car Demolished!

So the reason I didn't post yesterday is because I was involoved in a car accident. I rear-ended a mini-van and it was pushed into a small 4-door. Absolutely terrifying. This is my first accident. I completely demolished the front end of my car. My airbags went off (which is the equivalent to being punched in the face). Luckily, no one was seriously injured. I feel awful, since I wish no ill will towards non-zombies, and the lady I hit was really scared. Not a pleasant experience, not the way I wanted to end my week.

I'm black and blue all over (pictures to come). My "elbows of death" are ok, but I thought I broke my foot mashing it into the brake pedal, but it's mostly ok, just really swollen and bruised. I have the x-rays to prove it. Bruises where the seat belt was. My nose was bleeding everywhere and is swollen and starting to turn colors, and everything else is sore. I am extremely thankful that I was wearing a seat belt (which I always do... but this just goes to show how important they are).

The way I figure, this whole incidient lends credibility to Max Brook's pushing bikes as the best mode of transportation in a zombie-ridden world. I am pretty sure that my car is going to be considered "totaled" and I am debating about whether or not to get another car. I might try public transportation for a while. At least then I can spread the word about the zombie menace.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Misc. Notes

I had Karate tonight, and it was awesome. I learned the "elbow punch", so zombies better learn to fear my bent arm. Yesterday was great too. I learned how to take somebody down. Granted, this manuever demands an opponent who is not trying to eat your face, but it was cool all the same.

In continuing with my multi-level terrain training, I have been taking my dogs out to the forest on the weekends with me. Because, as I've said before, they are important to me, and should be a "useful burden". In accordance, I've begun training them to keep up and carry packs (pictures of useful dogs to be posted soon).

I'm glad to see that my readers are taking the naked zombie threat seriously. Naked zombies are just as dangerous as the regular kind, perhaps more so because of the distracting nudity. Remember, a zombie threat no matter was the state of dress/undress, friend/foe, is still a THREAT and must be taken out.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Erratic Posting

I wish that I could say that my erratic postings as of late are due to advanced zombie defense training, however, they are not. Due to an accumulation of moving, training, and laziness (which is sure to get me killed), I haven't been posting as regularly as before. I apologize.

I want to reassure everyone that I still am preparing for the zombie menace every day. I will try with renewed effort to post on my strategies and zombie-related thoughts on a daily basis.

Today's Efforts:
I am attending Karate again today (now that my muscles have had a little time to recover). On a practical note I learned some punching techniques last week which will eventually come in very handy. At this point, however, it is extremely important to note that my Karate "skills" are more likely to hurt than help. As Slash observed previously, martial arts require a lifetime of practice.
I may work out afterwards, as stamina is crucial.
I am also planning on grocery shopping in an attempt to decipher what is practical foodstuffs for life in the necropalypse. (Canned beans may be a little heavy, but they also have valuable nutrients).

Advice of the Day: Make sure you know which friends you can trust after the zombie uprising. There's nothing worse than being done in by a supposed "pal".

Friday, June 02, 2006

Friday! .... and Zombie Nakedness

I didn't have Karate today, and I won't be able to go to class until Monday. Hopefully, this will be enough time to let my muscles recover, so I can work them over again next week.
Honestly, I didn't expect to see any results from Karate immediately, but I am. I did my "normal" workout today of 30 minutes on the elliptical, and a 2 mile jog, 1 mile cooldown, and everything went much smoother. I was able to jog at a much more intense pace, partially due to listening to the Run Lola Run soundtrack, and partially because I actually developed some muscle mass this week. Even though my food intake has been horrible this week (except today... today is ok... so far), I haven't gained weight, in fact, I may have lost some. Add to these benefits the meeting of people who will probably survive the zombie apocalypse, and it's been a pretty good week.

Today's topic: Zombie Nudity
The reason this came up is that I was playing video games last night, fighting zombies, and the zombies were naked. Granted, to make it acceptable in VideoGameLandia, the crucial parts were rotted away (more distrubing or less?). Of course, zombie nudity is a possibility. Clothes get snagged and torn, or the zombies may be zombified in a state of nudity (i.e. the roommate in Shaun of the Dead). So that it is understood that I am not some creepy zombie pervert (I know they're out there), it is important to place this in the context of zombie fighting. Will Zombie Nudity effect reactions?
Back to my video game encounter, my first reaction was "Are these zombies naked? Why yes they are!". Had this been a real-life zombie attack, that thought would cost me valuble reaction time, which may mean the difference between life and death. So despite the comedy inherent in nudity, this is a serious zombie-fighting consideration; How will you deal with the naked zombie threat?
I don't think that one can be desensitized to this. While there is zombie porn out there (sickos!), obviously this is not a realistic zombie situation. (Zombie Porn will be discussed some other day, or maybe never). A more realistic desensitization would probably happen if you were around when, say, the population of the YMCA locker rooms suddenly fall victim to the zombie virus.
I guess the best advice (since Max Brooks doesn't cover this topic) would be to get over it. Put what was probably once a nice naked individual down, and never forget the person is now an animated corpse (no matter how naked), and an abomination of the person they once were.

Back to the zombie soundtrack!
Thanks, Slash, for your Satriani suggestions. Aggressive music=good.
I'm thinking some Voodoo Glow Skulls, complete with stupid lyrics, because they always make me want to kick and punch people (of course, I resist... for now).

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Day 2, a Day late

I had Karate last night from 6:30 until about 8:30... talk about intense. I "learned" (but didn't really retain) Kihons 1,2 & 3. I have Karate again this afternoon. I'm trying to go every day it's offered in an attempt to get up to speed as quickly as possible. I'm incredibly sore, but it's a small price to pay for zombie preparedness (not to mention the whole inner-peace thing).

I am looking at new houses this weekend. The real estate agent was unable to find any with moats, but I can add that later. The complex network of underground tunnels is also proving to be a difficult order to fill.

In other news, I've decided I need some sort of zombie-ass-kicking soundtrack. Song suggestions are welcome.