Thursday, January 29, 2009

Way to take initiative

Hackers Crack Into Texas Road Sign, Warn of Zombies Ahead

I commend this hacker's effort to warn the public of the impending zombie menace. Too bad the gesture was unappreciated. From Chris Lippincott, director of media relations for the Texas Department of Transportation, "It's sort of amusing, but not at all helpful."

Not at all helpful?!? I question Mr. Lippincott's allegiance to the human race.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Becoming Zombie

Something has been on my mind lately.
Throughout my zombie training, I have subjected myself to rigorous desensitization combined with a strict physical regimen (ideally anyway). The idea being that these things would make me a more formidable zombie hunter.

Taken to the extreme (which due to societal and financial restraints, I haven't been able to do yet) the training necessary to become the ultimate hunter turns you into a zombie of sorts. Of course I don't mean the horrible flesh-eating, rotting menace that plagues my nightmares, but rather a zombie in the metaphorical sense. When one ceases to think and question, does one not become a mindless entity, perhaps only capable of the hive mentality that is the zombie threat?

Obviously, by writing this post, I am asserting my humanity. And it is perhaps through this awareness that I will be able to avoid becoming the mindless opposition to the mindless threat. I can only hope that I will continue to have this awareness once the necropalypse occurs, and survival is the only goal.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Obama knows the score

It's been in the news since his inauguration, but Obama got a new transport that rivals anything else out there right now, besides, perhaps a tank.

Of course, Obama's people are stating that this car is to protect the president no matter what the circumstances, but a quick look at the stats indicate a clear preoccupation with the zombie threat:

I, for one, am pleased that the possibility of zombie attack is being considered a national threat. Perhaps soon some government funding will be directed at preventing the zombie menace.

Thursday, January 22, 2009


I stupidly decided to go for a run today... outside. My shoulder has been acting up since I've been working out on the elliptical and I thought I would give it a break today. Rather than drive all the way to the gym, I figured I would tough it out and go for a run.
As you can see, I prepared by bundling up in my mismatched winter gear. Even so it wasn't enough. About two miles into my run, the combination of sweat and below freezing temperatures resulted in catastrophic leg failure. Ok, that's an exaggeration, but I started cramping up and becoming very chilled with another mile and a half to go.

Regardless, there was a lesson learned here. My personal physical limitations, as well as the drawbacks of my sweat-absorbing workout clothes were made dramatically apparent.

But this isn't what pissed me off. I walked the last block to my abode, past some local construction. As I hobbled, swearing to myself, the line of construction guys catcalled at me. I thought it was barely obvious that I was even a woman. But that's not the point. Catcalls are just plain rude. Even though I vowed to never use my zombie-hunting skills against people (pre-apocalyptically, anyway), a big part of me wanted to turn around and bitch-slap the whole line. I had to work out an extra half-hour afterward just to let loose the rage in a healthy fashion.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Back at the gym

I honored my resolve today and returned to the gym. In the interest of working on my arms (which I pretty much hate doing) I decided to work out on an elliptical machine. Turns out it wasn't actually an elliptical machine but rather some sort of medieval torture device masquerading as exercise equipment. It seemed to be designed to cause all of your limbs to simultaneously flail in all directions. After I managed to dismount this monstrosity, I went for a run and got some real exercise.

I suppose the machine wasn't all bad; it demanded coordination and encouraged problem-solving. Still, when I exercise, I prefer to set my body to work and allow my mind to work on other problems I've encountered throughout the day. I'm going to try to go back to the gym tomorrow, provided that it's not warm enough to run outside (outside running is much more preferable). If I do go tomorrow I am going to try to strike a balance between the elliptical (the real one, this time) and running.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

when did this happen

It snuck up on me. Between moving back to the land of processed food and easy transportation, getting sick, and sub-zero temperatures I've gotten a little flabby. Imagine my surprise when I decided to do some crunches and push-ups (since my routine got disrupted from being sick) and I could no longer do them in any quantity.

I realize now that I will have to go to the gym more, as much as I despise going there it is a necessary evil. Perhaps instead of viewing it as the soul-sucking abomination that it is, I should approach the gym as a place to spread the word about the zombie menace. I've converted people in the past.

Me: So why are you working out?
Random Guy: To get washboard abs!
Me: Zombies don't care about washboard abs!
Random Guy: What?
Me: You know, zombies? It's a good start, but washboard abs are the least of your concerns
Random Guy:...
Me: How far do you think you could run while carrying a sixty pound pack of supplies? Do you feel confident that you could disable and kill an incoming zombie while wearing said pack? For that matter, what's your weaponry training?
Random Guy:...
Me: I'm just saying....

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Pickled Zombies

For those of you not in south eastern Wisconsin, we got a dusting of snow over black ice coupled with sub-zero temperatures. All of this made for disastrous driving. One notable accident consisted of a salt truck that flipped on its side, spilling salt all over the interstate.

So in continuation with my thought-process from the last post, I was wondering if this abundance of salt might contribute to the unnatural (extra unnatural) preservation of the undead menace during the winter. Are we inadvertently laying the tracks for pickled zombies?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Field Studies

We all know that zombies will become more frail over time, due to their bodies (very much slowed) decomposition. However, in these cold winter days might their bodies cease to decompose at all? To be sure, a frozen zombie is a less-threatening zombie, but how about days when the weather is just above freezing? Is a refrigerated zombie more inclined to be preserved to infect again?

I would say that more experimentation would need to be done; zombies in labs subjected to various field conditions, except that laboratory zombies is asking for a zombie outbreak. Even though a studied zombie may contribute to our cause, the risk for infection is too high. All it takes is one slip-up for the world to become overrun with the undead.

So with this in mind, I ask, please report any field results you may have found during the course of eliminating the undead menace. Surely, someone out there has encountered the undead and perhaps had a chance to observe them in various situations.

Meanwhile, we are being hit by yet another snow storm in the Midwest, so refrigerated zombies are not an issue for tonight.

Friday, January 09, 2009

aches and pains

Because we had another zombie-paralyzing blizzard today, I was forced to shovel again. In the process of doing so I aggravated an injury that I incurred in the past year. Now my shoulder is incredibly sore and I can't lift my arm above my head.

I'm not writing this post to bitch and complain (actually, I am, a little) but rather to stress the importance of taking care of yourself. Because society hasn't crumbled I have time to apply warm and cool compresses and heal my arm properly. Even though I want to be a tough-guy and "push through the pain" I know doing so will only make things worse in the long run. Don't get me wrong, though. If zombies descend, the pain will be the last thing on my mind.

Still, as I grind through my daily existence, I have had an accumulation of injuries, some of which will affect me the rest of my life. As a result certain abilities have been compromised. With my shoulder injury I can no longer carry anything over 40 pounds with my right arm. Also my punching technique has been substantially weakened. Even though these losses are significant, it is important that I recognize them, and work around them.

However, on days like today, with a hot water bag on my shoulder, I hope that my zombie fighting skills haven't been prematurely compromised.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Alternative weaponry

Because of my inherent mistrust in all things mechanical, I am starting to research alternative projective weapons. Of course, I plan on having enough guns stock-piled that if there should be a malfunction, I will have a back-up.

However, if for some reason I am forced to leave my armory (it's the apocalypse, this shit happens), I would like to have weapons that I can readily fix, if necessary. No doubt, I will have my trusty machete (she has served me well) and my trusty back-up machete, but I would also like to have some sort of ranged weapon.

The first thing that comes to mind is a slingshot. Slingshots have come a long way since I was a kid though. A quick google search yields a huge variety. Not to mention the possibility of making one myself. So it looks like I have to research to do.