Wednesday, December 31, 2008


It's that time of the year again.

Here are my New Years Resolutions:

1. Not abandon my post again
2. Purchase more firearms
3. Continue my zombie research so as to find newer and more effective ways to dispatch with the impending menace.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

ugh.... sick

I suppose it was inevitable. My return to civilization would no doubt be heralded by contracting some bug that was going around. I'm fairly certain that I caught it from my family over the holidays. While I am certain that I have not contracted a zombie virus, or anything equally deadly, it has left me in a weakened state. More importantly, it has illustrated a point.

1. The denser the population the more like one is to contract illness (included the dreaded zombie virus).

Despite living under more extreme conditions, I was much healthier during my brief reprieve from humanity. My isolation, combined with my conscientiousness about my well-being lead to having a well-maintained and balanced life.

2. Deprivation from regular contact with viruses and bacteria leaves one's immune system vulnerable.

Luckily, I chose to return to the good fight before the fight was actually taking place. Thusly, I have time to recuperate from the onslaught of sickness that I am currently experiencing. If I were forced to travel to a more urban area during the necropalypse, after living in a less populated area I would be more likely to become sick at the most inopportune of times.

Conclusion: As I am finding with nearly everything, moderation is key. I am currently living in a more populated area that is giving my immune system the buffering it desperately needs. At the same time this area is not so densely populated that it will be instantly swarmed with zombies when the outbreak happens. Yes, there will be more zombies, but with the proper fortifications, it will be manageable.

In the meantime, I am restricted to activities that involve getting rest... mostly catching up on some of the fighting simulations that I missed while in the wilderness.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Holiday Zombie Resistance

In what has become a Christmas tradition with my family, I watched the 24-hour marathon of A Christmas Story. It was a nice break from the ongoing questioning about my absence this past year. Seriously, it's not like I was the first person to take a break from civilized life. And if they really cared, they shouldn't have been so quick to assume that I was dead.

Back to A Christmas Story...
Watching this tongue-in-cheek commentary on the culture of Christmas has rekindled some faith on humankind's resistance to zombies. After all, why would Ralphie want a BB gun so badly if it weren't to become a beacon in the zombie resistance. Of course Ralphie doesn't realize this within the span of the film, but the seed has been planted. The closing image of the film, Ralphie sleeping with his trusty gun, alludes to the desolate future to come.

So it is with fondness towards this tradition that I will sleep with my childhood BB gun by my side tonight (of course this will be in addition to my normal arsenal).

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Zombie Preparedness

Everyone has a responsibility, nay, a duty to have several zombie contingency plans in place no matter what the situation. Therefore, I applaud reader Brolly (see comment) for going against his fellow survivalists ill-laid plans. However, I would recommend that Brolly take efforts to correct the shortcomings of the school-sanctuary plan. Presuming that it is a public school, regular citizens should be able to propose modifications to the school grounds to a school board or other community entity. What responsible parent wouldn't want their child better protected from a potential zombie attack. Presented clearly (with excellent visuals, of course) every voting party will become swayed by your passion and logic.

So I suggest, if you think a school (or other public facility) has potential as a zombie-resistant fortress, please alert your community to the greater good that their tax-payer dollars may serve!

Friday, December 19, 2008

A foot of snow

We got about a foot of snow between last night and today. There were three foot drifts in some areas. As I was shoveling, I had a conversation with another shoveler about creatively creating a snow barrier so as to deflect zombies (not to mention the possibility of having an epic snowball fight).

I still stand by my theory that zombies would have an extremely difficult time in this weather on account of their inability to produce body heat and tendency to freeze. But of course, if we were graced by a sudden onslaught of fresh zombies, they wouldn't have time to freeze. Snow is a pain to trudge through even if you aren't undead. Combined with the lack of coordination present in even the freshest of the undead, snow could be a valuable deterrent and potentially buy you the necessary time to take out the menace.

With this in mind, I constructed a two-foot barrier around my abode. My landlord did angrily have portions of it plowed earlier this evening, but since my house is still zombie-free, I can only assume that it served it's purpose.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

So Cold.

On days like today, where it's quite probable that hell has indeed frozen over, I am grateful for modern conveniences such as indoor heat, achieved without a zombie attracting fire. Though this does raise the question of whether or not zombies are able to sense heat.

Afterall, snakes can sense heat, as a means to locate prey, might zombies not also be able to sense heat? We as people can seek out heat for survival, but most of us are not sensitive enough to be able to locate heat-giving sources such as warm-blooded creatures. Because of this, I believe that zombies would not use this as a primary, or even secondary, means to locate prey. Still heat is best used in a contained fashion. If you have means to use heat discreetly, such as in an urban area where heat is used everywhere (at least immediately after the necropalypse) you should be able to stay warm safely.

However, I can't stress enough how bad of an idea it is to use fire. Zombies have no natural aversion to fire, but the crackling and wavering light will most likely attract their attention. And one of the few things worse than an attacking zombie is an attacking zombie that happens to be on fire.

So now, in this plausibly zombie-free time, it is a good time to obtain to some long underwear and heat-retaining clothing and practice wearing it. Yes, I know it sounds silly to "practice" wearing clothes, but it is important to understand and be prepared for the level of mobility that said clothing will provide. Though there is one positive to wearing bulky clothing: it's a lot harder to bite through.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Drunken Hunting

Living by yourself in the wilderness leads to an inevitable boredom. I have to admit that when bored during my my exile, I did engage in some reckless behavior. As a means to justify such recklessness, I classified it as experimentation.

One means of experimentation took the form of trying to discover the impact that alcohol had on my zombie hunting skills. Despite my best intentions and claims to sobriety, I have to admit that I really do like beer. I wanted to learn if whether or not imbibing the occasional brew would actually have a significant effect on my abilities.

Firstly, I had to procure alcohol. One of my survival manuals had a recipe for a mead-like beverage. Incidentally, this recipe was hand-written in the margins, and not part of the original publishing. I would have very much liked to have met the previous owner of this book.

Weeks later, I was able to put my plan into practice. My alcohol wasn't very good (first-time, and consequently, last-time home brewer here) and it was considerably more alcohol than beer by my estimation. I drank a glass and set about hunting. Since I had not spotted any undead, I had to settle for hunting my dinner.

I'll spare you the details, but I feel safe in saying that the results of my experiment indicated that a single beverage doesn't have a significant effect on my personal abilities. However, I still believe it best to abstain from alcohol. I felt fairly confident that zombies would not descend upon me during this single mildly inebriated evening, but that is exactly the overconfidence that gets one killed.

I wasn't in terrible danger of my prey turning on me; I'm pretty sure that I could defend myself against a squirrel even if I was really, really drunk. However, a zombie is not the same as a squirrel. The simple fact that the alcohol reduced my coordination enough that I had to really focus on the hunt indicates that it is a significant hinderence. Luckily for me, no zombies attacked that night, and I awoke the next morning with the mildest of hangovers.

In conclusion, for the sake of your own survival and imminence of the zombie threat, please abstain from drinking. You never know when you will need to be in prime survival state. And if you insist on drinking, please leave brewing to the professionals.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Towards a Goal

For some reason, my gym membership is still active. I guess they decided it wasn't in their best interest to contact me after my attendance dropped. So I decided to make some use of it today.

I am not opposed to running outside during the winter, after all it is good to build up some temperature resistances. However, I prefer not to run on ice. As much as I try, I still have an inherent and unavoidable clumsiness. Running on a slippery sidewalk is an unnecessary risk. If I break my leg and the necropalypse begins, I'm pretty much screwed.

I took my run to the gym's indoor track today. I can't quite explain it, but the gym intensifies a certain rage in my workout. All these poor bastards go there to refine their physique, but I'm fairly certain that few could disable a zombie with their bare hands. Sure they will be better equipped to manage the zombie threat than your average couch potato. Unless that couch potato is a Halo master with an encyclopedic knowledge of zombie films, and an arsenal to combine the two fields.

I digress. It makes me sad when I see people mindlessly working out at the gym. Where is the joy? They watch crappy talk shows and brainlessly workout towards what? a swimsuit? When I go to the gym, I'm mentally evading zombies, attacking marauders, and feeling very alive. I'm sure that the other gym attendees are unnerved by my dissecting glare, trying to find their weaknesses and where to strike should the situation demand it.

So I encourage everyone, when you're working out, make sure you're working towards your survival. I promise you will be invigorated.

Monday, December 08, 2008

The glacial apocalypse is nigh, high time for hunting

Here is the midwest, weather reports are predicting that we will be under a foot of frozen slush-ice by mid-afternoon tomorrow. Yeah this makes driving conditions = dangerous, walking = hazardous, and zombie-hunting = easy.

By the time the blizzard subsides sometime late tomorrow or possibly Wednesday, any local zombies should be frozen solid, immobile, and fairly (though never completely) harmless. So grab your sledge, kiddies, it's time to thwack some undead.

Of course, I have yet to spot any undead locally, but I will still keep my sledge handy tomorrow just in case. Of course I always have an arsenal at hand.

On a related note, I got a report from Kevin northern Illinois noting that there is no apparent local zombie activity. I always appreciate regional updates on the zombie front, and am happy to post them here, so please, keep me updated!

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Fairly out of the loop and Left 4 Dead

Even though I've been back for a little over a month, I am seriously out of the loop. Totally missed the presidential election, though I am somewhat relieved that America voted against the pro-zombie candidate. And I am far behind on all the various pop culture permutations of the zombie threat.

Everyone has been insisting I play Left 4 Dead. It was one of the first things that I did once I returned to civilized life, before I even sorted out that whole "presumed dead" thing. At first, I really struggled with the game. A year away from electricity has left my gaming skills somewhat dampened. However, the simulated experience of fighting zombie-esque monsters quickly reinvigorated my dexterity, while simultaneously leaving me with a gamer's blister unlike any I have ever experienced.

My biggest critique of the game, is that the monsters you are up against are not technically zombies. They move too fast and have a level of group coordination beyond the living dead. If anything, they more closely resemble the "rage-infected" of 28 days later. In spite of this categorical misfire, the game is noteworthy. The fighting system combined with the necessity of working with a diverse group provides an experience that could easily transfer over to a real-life zombie situation.

On the downside, I've noticed that my return to civilized society, combined with gaming and junk food, has resulted in a lessening of my survival-based physique. But at least now I can more easily adjust to the demands of a survivalist lifestyle when the time comes. In the meantime, however, I am going to enjoy my hostess cupcakes.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Escapism is not the answer

I have spent the past year on the noble quest of barricading myself against the impeding zombie menace, or so I thought. But after many a lonely night with nothing but squirrel jerky and a tattered copy of the Zombie Survival Guide to console me, I have to admit that my self-imposed exile was motivated by fear rather than any so-called "nobleness".

After failing to trap any animals for several weeks, thus necessitating dipping into my precious canned food reserve, I was forced to reconsider my motives and my path. About a month ago I returned to Wisconsin. Haggard (though slightly disappointed that, as a woman, I did not have a grizzly adams-esque beard), hungry, and assumed dead, I attempted to reintegrate myself into contemporary society. It was harder than I thought, but with the help of Adam (thanks for following through on that last post, btw) and other zombie-hunter sympathizers. I now have a job and a place to live, and access to a precious, precious xbox 360. Hopefully within the year, I will be able to convince the IRS that I was not evading my taxes.

And so I have returned to my blog. Thank you to all the people who demanded that I stop being a pussy and return to the fight for humankind. You were right. I am back.